Have you ever had one of those “I Love Lucy” days in which one unforeseen circumstance follows another? If you remember those episodes, which were frequent, Lucy generally cried at the end.
That was sort of what I looked like yesterday after a really rough day.
Harry and I had to get up very early to get to an appointment with my ophthalmologist in town, over an hour’s drive away. We did that, made it to the appointment a little early and I was delighted that the tech took me back to check me early. I needed to finish this appointment on time because I had an early afternoon appointment with my neurologist about my leg going numb. The game at the ophthalmologist became one of waiting. I was taken back, did a test and returned to the waiting room. Multiple times. Finally, I got to see the doctor and he gave me the good news that my macula hasn’t changed in the last year and all is good with my eyes. I was happy about that since I had been anxious about the results.
We then headed to my neuro appointment and we made it there on time, too. I really like my neurologist who has been my specialist since my stroke eleven years ago. Anyway, he asked questions, put me through a battery of uncomfortable tests and concluded that I likely have a pinched nerve in my back causing my leg’s numbness. He gave me a referral to a spinal specialist (another specialist!), a referral for an MRI of my spine (another MRI!), a referral for physical therapy (again, a repeat), and an order to return for an EMG on April 8th. So, I left his office feeling overwhelmed.
Now, let’s get this straight. I prayed before each medical appointment and Harry prayed with me. I knew that something was wrong, of course, but I was just not ready to hear another diagnosis of something else broken in my body. I just got my second cortisone shot for my torn rotator cuff in my shoulder a week and a half ago, so I am still dealing with that pain daily (mostly nightly, when I try to sleep). And now this diagnosis. I wish I could say that I was praising God on the way home and thankful that I had an answer to the numbness. Instead, I started crying and Harry couldn’t console me with his words about our just getting older and things break down.
On the way home, the “idiot lights” came on in the car. I must say that we drive an older car (it wasn’t old when we got it, but it is now) so this was not new. It was just one more thing. So, the crying continued and Harry tried to console me with the fact that the car is also old. Not helping!
We made it home, Teya was there and had just gotten back from her run that she tries to do daily. She was getting ready for a shower and I was getting ready to lie down since I got up before 5 and it was not almost 4 in the afternoon. Suddenly, I heard Teya call for me rather frantically, so I rushed to find out what the problem was. The hot water faucet was detached and hot water was spewing everywhere in the bathroom. It was too hot to try to re-attach the faucet and turn it off, so I went to find the main water valve and shut it off. I located it behind a hatch of sorts, moved the things out of the way that Harry had decided to place there and got the hot water off. Yay! All the while, I think I must have been thinking, “Are you kidding me, God? Don’t I have enough on my plate right now?” Harry, of course, was nowhere to be found since he was wandering around the yard planning his garden. (He deals with stress by gardening, I do so by reading.) I found Harry, told him what was going on and Teya tried to reattach the faucet. She did so successfully and then Harry checked it and said it seemed to be okay for me to turn the water back on. I did and that seemed to work.
By that time, I was really overwhelmed with everything and planned to rest, but I had to eat to take medicine, so I ended up staying awake for several more hours, not really happy about life and its circumstances that day.
I have to confess that I cried myself to sleep, telling God honestly that I was just “up to here” with problems. I have always known that God knows how I feel anyway, so I may as well be honest with Him. I woke up at 4, and prompted by the Holy Spirit, I prayed for my niece who is in premature labor and tried to go to sleep again. I was still feeling overwhelmed, like I just did not want to face a new day. When I finally rolled over about 6 or so and decided to get up, I followed my usual pattern of thanking God for a new day and praying for a few minutes, waiting silently for Him to speak to my heart. He spoke a song into my heart that I haven’t heard or sung in many years. So appropriate for me!
The bottom line is that circumstances have not changed. I have not changed. My shoulder hurts, my leg is numb, my back hurts and I am getting older even as I type this. What is changing is that I haven’t lost hope. As I talked to God this morning, not only did He give me a song, He also showed me a vision of my hanging onto a rope that was breaking and as I swung precariously over a cliff at the end of that rope, I looked up and there was the Lord holding on to the other end. God is still right there. He knows what is happening, and He is holding me as steadfastly as possible, even at the end of my rope, in high winds and with a cliff below me.
If you need a lifeline today, just know that God,who loves everyone equally, can be your source of hope and strength too. As I said, my circumstances haven’t changed, and if I focus on what is happening, I again feel overwhelmed. But I know deep within me that God is in control of the outcome, so I can let go of that rope. He will catch me…and you!
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