My medical saga continued this week as I went for a follow up appointment with the foot and ankle specialist after the MRI last week. The news was not good because my only options seem to be to live with the pain or to have surgery. I fell nine months ago, in September, and after a month of constant pain back in the fall, I finally got in to see a specialist who found a break along the side of my foot. Thus, I ended up in what I called a robo-boot, then a laced-up stability boot and finally physical therapy for nine weeks. The first specialist proclaimed that my bone was healed and I should be able to resume normal activity after PT. Not so fast! My ankle continues to throb and swell and awaken me at night with the pain. So, I went to see the orthopedic specialist at the hospital closest to me. He ordered the MRI and the results are that I have a fractured heel bone and a torn tendon. I can’t take NSAIDS for inflammation because of allergies, I can’t take pain pills because of allergies, and I can’t walk well right now. Thus, I have now been referred to an orthopedic surgeon and have an appointment at the end of the month. My eyes filled with tears as the doctor explained my limited options, but I took the appointment slip and left discouraged. I had done what I was told to do. I have been hobbling around for the better part of a year already. I didn’t rail against God, but it just seemed to me that this little broken bone was hiding all along and I was unaware.

Look at the pain that this tiny fracture has caused me! I don’t know what I will do about the surgery yet, but I was praying and reading my Bible yesterday and God spoke to me about how little sins enter our lives like that little broken bone. The sin causes tremendous damage in the whole body, just as this little bone has. (Little sleep for months has definitely affected my well-being. I have found myself in desperate need of a nap almost daily these days.) But, I was unaware until the specialist did the test and pointed it out to me. Unless we spend time with God, our Great Physician, we are all unaware of the little sins that can overtake us and slowly destroy pieces of us, and perhaps ultimately destroying the relationship we have with God. Meeting with God regularly opens the door for His Spirit to speak to our hearts about where and how we have strayed and need to get back on the narrow path.

Today’s devotional was all about God encouraging me. I really needed today’s time with the Lord, I can tell you! I have had eight surgeries in the last three decades and each time is the same. I get afraid. I don’t think I’m afraid to die, but I honestly fear the pain. I cannot take any kind of pain pill at all, so whatever I have been through has been with the help of prayer and Tylenol. Lots and lots of prayers! So facing another surgery is a huge decision for me. As I was talking it over with my husband, I told him that I have already lived almost seventy years and don’t know how much longer I will live, telling him that I’m prepared to live out my days hobbling around and in pain. But is that God’s best for me? My husband wants me to be able to walk around and enjoy life, spending time having fun with grandchildren and enjoying our remaining years together.

These are the Scriptures that God gave me this morning during my devotional. I may be feeling weak (and my foot definitely is), but God is strong. He knows exactly what is happening and has the solution. Do I believe in His healing power? Absolutely! But I also know that sometimes the Great Physician uses doctors here on earth to accomplish His healing. We will see what the new surgeon says, and I will be listening carefully for that still, small voice that tells me that surgery is the choice that I should make.

As I said, fear of the pain has been taking over my brain lately. Not the fear of the current pain, but the fear of the pain after surgery. The fear of how in the world I will walk on a bandaged foot after surgery. I cannot walk on crutches as I am a klutz on terra firma. I have a walker and a quad cane and yet I still fell in September. You get the idea. So…FEAR. And the gracious Heavenly Father spoke one word to me…FAITH. I know that He stands beside me, no matter what I have to go though and He is protecting me daily. After all, I fell directly on my back with my foot curled under me, so I could have broken my back. But I didn’t. I broke a couple of small bones in my foot and tore a tendon (which according to my husband is probably what is causing most of my pain). Anyway, God is faithful and if I prayerfully decide to have the surgery, He will be with me in the OR and during recovery, too.

Finally, the third Scripture spoke directly to my discouragement. You know the kind. You sit in a little corner and say, “Poor me!” Then you wait for everyone who comes along to agree with you. That image brings to mind Job, a man greatly afflicted by Satan (with God’s permission) but who did not turn away from God. I’m not saying that I’m comparable to Job by any means, but I am saying that my tendency is to withdraw into the pain and just let it overtake me, crying out to God for a reason, a purpose for this new suffering. I know that God is there. I know that He is my strength and that I should not fear or be discouraged. I know that in my mind. Now, I have to meditate on it daily and get those words deep into my heart so that I truly believe them. It’s easy to preach to others about God’s control and His caring for us when all things are going well. It’s when the little bones break, the ones we walk on for months unaware that there is an injury there; it’s then that it’s imperative that we continue to cry out to God. He hasn’t changed. God hears and answers prayers.

I apologize if I have bored you with my current medical saga. I just want to testify right here and now that I am choosing to believe that God will take care of me, regardless of surgery or no surgery. God, who is no respecter of persons and does not think that I am any better or worthy of His love than any of you reading this, wants you to know that He will meet you wherever you are right now. In the middle of discouragement and fear? He is right there! Just be honest with Him and let Him know how you are feeling and how much you need Him. That’s what I’m doing and I feel better already. I’m ready to slay the giants of fear and discouragement and move on with the Lord.

“Jesus, I Believe” by Big Daddy Weave

May God bless you and all that you do today. May the works of your hands be a blessing to Our Heavenly Father.